Is Dating As Single Moms Actually Essential? Insanely Helpful Advice

Why a new relationship is important but not essential for single moms

Dating can be difficult for all single people. However, having a child adds an extra level of difficulty to the mix. This is especially true for mothers. According to this Census article from March 2021, the vast majority of single parent households are mother-only (not surprising). If you’re reading this, you likely fall into that category and are curious whether it’s time to aspire toward the “married couple” status. The answer is that it depends on your dating intentions.

Whether you’re looking for a(another) positive male role model in your child’s life or you’re interested in all the other benefits that come with finding YOUR person, you should consider all of the things in this article before selecting your partner. If we date around when choosing a pediatrician, surly it is worth putting some thought into who we bring into our homes. No single aspect is more important than the others. These factors work together to decide whether an addition to your single family is a worthy one. Choose a partner that checks off all the boxes as:

• a great second father figure
• a value adding partner
• a man that treats you well (and models that behavior to your child)
• a financial equal
• a companion

Dating for a Father Figure

Dating for a father figure is probably the most common reason single mothers seek a partner, aside from the companionship that people yearn for as humans. In many cases your child’s father still has a presence in their life and it’s wise to not attempt to replace that relationship. Your child’s father will always be their father regardless if they are in your household or not. Instead, look at your potential partner as an addition to your family. Adding love and nurturing to your child’s life instead of taking the love they already receive away.

You may be wondering what exactly should you be looking for to determine whether a man has what it takes to be a father figure. According to PBC Expo’s 10 qualities of a good dad, some qualities of a good dad are:

1. Dependable – be consistently available and show up in the ways he says he will.
2. Involvement – not just being in mom’s life, but involving himself in your child’s interests and being attentive to their needs.
3. Valuing of mom – showing respect and love of mom. This is more than always agreeing with mom, it requires action, and teaches our sons and daughters how to be treated.
4. Honest – this should be shown to your family through actions. Being honest with mom AND the child. This will teach integrity.
5. Industrious – modeling a healthy work ethic for personal accomplishment and satisfaction. This can be applied to both work and attitude towards tasks in general.

Is it essential?

Having a good father figure for your child can be deemed essential. However, having a romantic partner to do so is not! Father figures can be established through other men in your child’s life like trusted grandparents, uncles, and close family friends. Therefore you should only seek a partner to fill this void if you find someone worthy that is as described above.

This aspect is important for both daughters and sons, but is especially important for boys. You need a partner that can teach your child how to be a man in a way mom can’t, creating a safe space for uncomfortable conversations with mom. Again this can be found in other sources, but having a partner in the household is ideal for everyday modeling.

Dating for Assistance

Dating for assistance can mean several things. To some it means monetary assistance, to others it’s physical help around the house and with your child. Dating for assistance should ALWAYS be an afterthought! After you’ve made a genuine connection with your partner. And after you’ve determined that you are also bringing value into their lives. Often single people look at the savings from cohabiting and think that will lessen their financial burden. Be careful with that type of thinking because with more people in your household, what you might save in one category you’re spending in another.

This looks different for everyone. For some moms it’s all about having sanity-saving help with mundane tasks. In many cases, even with biological fathers and husbands, men have their own ideas of what “helping” is. This idea can be very different from mom’s reality. All helping is not helpful. So make sure when you decide you want to date for assistance that you lay out, for yourself and your partner, what helpful assistance looks like to you.

Ways you may want your partner to provide assistance include:

1. Provide praise for tasks she does automatically
2. Ditch the judgment – she’s been doing a 2 person job so her processes may not be the most efficient (that’s something that will come with a partner’s assistance)
3. Offer emotional support – we have mental breakdowns (often) from always being “on” for our kids; just listening is super helpful.

Is it essential?

Assistance is both essential and non-essential. Financial assistance is something your partner (especially before you’re in a cohabitating relationship) is not required to do. It’s not something you should be dating for, rather something that can come from finding the person you will spend your life with.

On the flip side, receiving emotional support is so essential to a happier mom and healthier relationship.

Dating for a Relationship Model

One of the most slept on benefits to a great relationship is showing your child what a healthy relationship looks like. Modeling good behavior to your children trumps any lecture you could give them. Letting your partner love on you teaches your child how you (and other women) should be treated. This is especially important if you do not have the best relationship with your coparent. Even if you don’t scream at each other, it models a more detached style of communication which is not the sole example you want to set for your child.

Is it essential?

I would argue that this is an essential reason to be dating. However, don’t be so eager to jump into something for “looks”. You want it to be substance that you are modeling to your child. If dating is not for you at this stage of your life, don’t get hung up on this aspect. Other family members can model good relationships like grandma and grandpa, or aunts and uncles.

Dating for Companionship

I saved this one for last because as humans we yearn for companionship, but as moms we have to dig deeper. For many, it is a lifelong goal to find the person that makes you the happiest you’ve ever been that you can share your life with. Having a companion that you enjoy is beyond important, but do not fall into the age old trap of putting your needs before your child and not spotting signs of unhappiness. Your household is your child’s too. It is where they should feel the most comfortable and able to express themselves.

Is it essential?

Companionship is not an essential reason to choose a partner as a single mom. It is one thing for mom to date and fulfill certain needs, but to introduce a person into your lives for the sole purpose of wanting a companion is insufficient.

Takeaways

In summary, before selecting a partner, ensure they are the type of man you want your child to be modeled after. If you feel overly uncomfortable with any of these pillars (there will be some discomfort because it’s new for you mom), that is a clear sign the partner will not be a good fit for your household. 

Too often single moms are more concerned with what the man does for them that they don’t look at the dynamic of value added to their lives. It should be a mutually beneficial transaction for all parties including the children. A happy mom helps create happy children, but there are many other factors to a safe, loving environment for your child. Remember, the longer you’ve been single the more accustomed your child has become to the lifestyle you’ve lived together. 

What qualities do you look for in a potential partner?

Looking for some date ideas to bring your big boo and little boo closer?

Stop waiting to go on dates until you find a sitter and turn date night into an “interview”. See how your SERIOUS boo interacts with both you and your little with these fun date ideas with the kids.